7 Phases to "Getting Over It"!

She broke his heart two years ago and he is still struggling to move on. He is not alone. When people ask, “How do I get over this?”, I tend to look for unresolved grief. And, if there is unresolved grief, opportunities for forgiveness are likely to be close by. I believe that moving forward often involves looking at our hurt more closely and engaging in the process of forgiveness. If you think forgiving the person who has hurt you is not necessary and sometimes inappropriate, be sure to keep reading and share your thoughts when you can.

Over the years I have coached men and women, and many teens through recovering after a break up.  Quite recently I was thinking about correlations between between stages of grief (i.e. denial, anger, depression, bargaining, acceptance) and forgiveness and observed 7 distinct phases of forgiveness.  And, while forgiveness is an activity that practically everyone has heard of, similar to  a “Genuine Apology”, it can be challenging and very complicated.  

Like current conceptions of the stages of grief suggest, we don’t often move through the phases of forgiveness in linear succession. Sometimes we bounce from one to the other, skipping or even overlapping a few.

As I briefly describe each phase below, you might be able to see yourself or people you know in a phase or two or three...

Phase 1 – Denial – This experience allows us to avoid looking plainly at the painful facts.  In most extreme cases we dissociate and other times we suppress what we know to be true. Either way, when it comes to forgiveness, it is often really hard to face deep hurts we have endured but when we do, then we can move into the next phase(s).

Phase 2 - Acceptance - This phase is really just about being ready to look at the facts.  Whether we are only able to look at the details briefly or get stuck rehearsing them incessantly there is an awareness of and acceptance of the facts.  

Phase 3 - Refusal - Here is where we refuse to forgive the person or people or even organization. Sometimes we declare that this person isn’t worth the time or energy or decide that they simply aren’t deserving of forgiveness. In other cases, there’s confusion about what it will mean for us to forgive, especially when we see forgiveness as a free pass or condoning the actions that have hurt us.

I share my ideas about a healthy definition of forgiveness, what it is and what it is not in The Art of A Genuine Apology, but suffice it to say that many people want to forgive and don’t want to forgive at the same time and struggle to move into the next phase.

Phase 4 – Alignment - In alignment we reconcile the parts of ourselves that are or have been hesitant to forgive with the parts that realize refusing to forgive is not the healthiest thing to do. While we may not have a full understanding of what there is to forgive and what the process entails there is a clear choice to forgive.

Phase 5 – Awareness - After making the choice to forgive, we can delve into the hard work of looking at what there is to forgive. Here we look beyond the facts to the impact of the facts, the cost(s) we have paid, the suffering we have and/or will endure. This phase helps us to become intimately and increasingly aware of our pain and loss.  Unfortunately, this is the part that people usually skip over or rush through because it is the most challenging and painful part.

Phase 6 – Empathy - In the empathy phase we experience emotions such as pity and sympathy and are open to understanding the context that brought this person/people to a particular course of action. This lends to us being understanding and even compassionate for those who have hurt us.

Sometimes, we are prematurely forced by well-meaning people into this phase and other times our own guilt and even values can move us to this phase too quickly. As you might imagine, I am all for understanding how the actions/choices of others came to be and strongly believe in appreciating our common imperfect humanity, however, entering this space too soon stops us from engaging in the awareness phase long enough to appreciate the depth of our injury.

Only when we see the depths of our pain can we honestly forgive it. Otherwise, it would be like trying to forgive someone for stealing something that you didn’t know was taken. When our forgiveness reaches the depths of our pain then we can move into the next and final phase.

Phase 7 – Healing - Healing is both a phase as well as a place we get to live out of. The healing phase is adaptive in the sense that it embraces a forward-looking mindset but it also engages us in making healthy meaning from what we’ve experienced. We can choose to allow ourselves to see how coming through the experience has made us stronger, wiser and better equipped to handle challenges and advise those who are open to learning from our experiences.

Being empowered to integrate the facts (Phase 2 - Acceptance), the revelation (Phase 5 – Awareness), the decision (Phase 3 - Alignment) and the understanding (Phase 6 – Empathy) whenever we need to is a gift for life (Phase 5 – Healing) that the process of forgiveness delivers to us.  I share a little about this in my most recent YouTube video, How to know what to forgive.

I hope this introduction to "The 7 Phases of Forgiveness" will normalize the many experiences that come along with the often-oversimplified process of forgiving. And for those of you who wonder if you will ever “get-over” the pain of the past, remember it is a process. And, if you are open to forgiveness, be patient with yourself and know that you will likely experience triggers/reminders which will invite you to forgive again and again.  For more information or support with this process send me an email: info@coachdrew.ca

Warmest regards as you learn, heal and grow!

Drew